I Wish

I wish I could form words without someone thinking I was drunk

like saying, “Yes I do think” instead of “Yes I did thunk”.

I wish I could carry a glass with cold ice without shaking

and rattling so loud it sounded like a martini I was making.

I wish I could speak loudly so others didn’t say “Quit muttering”

I wish I could snap back and say, “Well then you quit your stuttering!”

I wish I could walk without dragging my feet

and stay in step with others instead of always feeling beat.

I wish I could not take pills to make me stand straight

oh my gosh – now that would be GREAT!

I wish I could walk without dragging my feet

and almost trip when others I meet

I wish I could hold things without fear of them dropping

but am thankful I still can walk without always stopping

I wish the pain in my neck and back would disappear

But the stiffness just gets worse is what I hear

I wish brain surgery wasn’t in the future for me

but what is – is and what must be will be

I wish things were different for me

I wish the same for others with this thing called PD

but they’re not and that’s okay

for I’ve learned to be content anyway

I’ve got friends who live near and far

friends who know just who they are

some who understand and some that just care

walking with them I have learned to bear

oh how I thank God for all of it, you see

For without PD these things would not be

the friends, their concern, the many lessons learned

even when my heart’s been heavy, my hope has turned

to the One who’s never left me to walk unsteady

the One who stands faithful, true, protective and ready

oh my Jesus, how can I say how great You are

without tears falling from my face, captured in your jar

tears of fear, tears of pain

tears of weakness turning to strength in You I gain

how can I live one moment of my life

whether filled with smiles or filled with strife

I have seen purposes and plans

that could only have come through Your hands.

so I just want to say thank You

honor, praise and glory to You alone are due

I want to shout Great are You Lord Almighty

for loving, protecting, and carrying me.

**A Book of Poems and A Bright Light

I had an epiphany the other night as I chatted with a fellow PD’er online.

Paul Martin… You have to read this guy’s poems. He will be our featured MVP in the next couple of months but for now, I’ll share a little of what I know about him.

He has Parkinson’s Disease.

He is very transparent.

He adores his kids.

He refuses to give up.

To combat what was going on inside his head (in more ways than one), he wrote poems. While we chatted, for some reason a humongous thought came to me.

Ever since I can remember, I have loved to write. I wrote all the papers for my classroom that I taught when I was eight years old. I wrote poems and short stories in my free time as a teenager. I took creative writing classes in college. I kept diaries for my kids as they grew up (or tried to) and kept several journals of my life throughout the years. I started seriously writing again when my kids weren’t putting their fingers in the light sockets anymore, in between baseball and softball games, basketball and volleyball games, football and more.

It was sporadic at times and irregular. I put it on the back burner more often than not, due to other things that always appeared more important.

Then as I was ‘listening’ to Paul as he spoke through his poems, I thought to myself, “If for no other reason, God allowed this guy to have PD to touch the hearts and lives of others with his words in a heart-wrenching way. You cannot, whether a PD’er or not, walk away unmoved.

As I read, I felt as if God was trying to get through to me. And then I got it when I was chatting with him. I’m not even sure what specifically turned on the light, but it was bright.

Without having been the recipient of this disease, I might be finding things to do (and I do still) that keep me from writing. Having PD has brought me back to what I have loved doing all my life. Without it, I might still be cutting out little useless pumpkins from scraps of pine. Not that they weren’t cute, useless pumpkins.

Sometimes (okay, often) God has to knock me upside of the head to get my attention. Sometimes He has to hit me hard. Like hitting me with YOPD. Yep, that was a hard hit. However, it was a good hit because now I am not only extremely focused (as much as someone with PD can be), but I have a tremendous purpose and that is, to encourage others through this journey God has allowed.

It is not a curse. It is a blessing and truly, I have been blessed in the journey.

**Earaches, Heartaches, and Doorways

single-flower-for-posts2

When my son was born, until the age of almost three, he had constant ear infections. After the third or fourth time, it became easier to identify that another was coming on and I could get him to the doctor before it became too painful. Most of the time.

I do recall one experience of having that motherly instinct of knowing he was getting another and taking me in. His regular doctor was out and another doctor saw him. He assured me after checking him briefly that there was no cause for worry. I wanted to assure him that I was most certain he was wrong.

At twelve o’clock that night, my son woke up screaming, his ear filled with pain. I did everything I could to help him. I gave him Tylenol. I held him. I rocked him. I cried with him. He screamed in pain until morning.

A few weeks ago, I had an ear infection. It began with a gradual achiness followed by intense pain and pressure for about five days, at which time I felt it was going to burst and to be quite honest, I almost wanted it to just to relieve the pain and the pressure.

No one ever gave me Tylenol. No one held or rocked me or saw me crying in the dark when I could not sleep because the pain was so intense, but then, they did not know because I was not crying out in agony.

This is what I learned…

When my son, at the age of two, was in pain, he writhed in discomfort and screamed for release from the grip of his ear infection. Oh how I wanted to comfort him and hold him tight so that he knew he was not alone. I rocked him to try to soothe him and as I held him closely, I cried with him, wanting badly to be able to take his pain away.

When I was in pain a few weeks ago, for the most part, I kept it inside. No one else needed to hear how much it really hurt. No one could rock me and comfort me and it made me think… Isn’t that what God wants us to do with him? Yet, we try to keep the pain in our lives and the heartache we experience hidden deep inside, when all the while He is waiting for us to cry out to Him for help.

I was chatting online last night with a friend and he was saying that one of his friends was not going to be able to do an event that they had planned for this year. He said the other person had been having some recent struggles and had to cancel. Then he withdrew and ‘disappeared’ (not literally) from his network of friends. My friend made a comment that went something like this: “I’ve told him there’s still a spot for him on the team, but he’s got to walk through the door.”

I liked that. We sit and cry but we do not run through the door screaming to God for relief. We do not writhe in pain when it hurts so bad inside that we think we cannot tolerate it for another minute. A foreclosure on the only home you have known. A divorce. An illness. The loss of a loved one. You lose your job. The list goes on.

When a child cries out in pain, the parent responds immediately. When he whimpers and sits off to the side, if the parent does notice, s/he probably knows it is not a life-threatening issue or the child would be screaming as loud as he was able. The child that is crying out for mercy gets mommy or daddy by their side – immediately.

I am not saying that if we talk to God politely, He is going to ignore us, but there is something to be said about crying out to Him. Sometimes that is the only thing we can do. Sometimes that is the best thing to do. To become like a child and let Him hold you and rock you. Let Him soothe you and wipe the tears as He wraps you safely in His arms.

He is waiting to love you. It is up to you to walk through the door.

**The Promise of A Rainbow

God always keeps His promises

God always keeps His promises

Today I saw a rainbow.

I am utterly fascinated by a rainbow. The translucent colors. The arc. The brilliance. Most of all, the promise of a rainbow.

There was a time when God was not keen over the condition of the world. In fact, it was at its worst at that point. Immorality, I imagine, was at its peak. Idolatry was no doubt running rampant. Theft, murder, dishonesty, and more were most likely at an all time high. But there was one little man who God saw through heaven’s telescope that was different. I imagine, a quiet man who kept to his own but was not afraid to stand for truth and righteousness. A man whom God found favor with and therefore, became chosen to do a unique task. He was chosen to build an ark.

So he did. Somehow in his utmost faith, I imagine somewhere, on some day as he pounded stakes into holed to hold things together, something told him he was crazy. And yet he pounded and believed, had unfaltering faith and hung onto hope. Crazy or not, he had heard a Voice tell Him to do something incredible. It wasn’t a question of ‘will you’. It wasn’t an option of ‘are you interested’. It was a command to just do it. ‘Build an ark’. Instructions followed and Noah began the overwhelming and daunting task of building the biggest boat known to mankind up to that day.

And so he obeyed and built an ark. A big cruise liner for every species of animal known to mankind. They would not have to forage for food for the next 40 plus days. It would be brought to them on a silver platter (okay, so maybe it was a gopher wood platter) as they laid back and took it easy for the next two months or so.

And while Noah and his family catered to their traveling zoo, it rained and it poured and it didn’t stop for forty days and forty nights.

I imagine it was a bittersweet time. Noah undoubtedly had closed the doors to the ark to the ridicule and mockery of the world, but he also closed the doors to people who were also his friends. Sailing on his vessel most likely gave him a lot of time to think of who was left behind to drown in a sea of regret. Friends, extended family members. I am certain if Noah was who God thought he was, he had compassion for these people, even if they weren’t the cream of the crop.

I’m sure Mrs. Noah had the same thoughts. She probably cried for her fellow quilting bee partners. She probably wept for her aunts and uncles, nieces, nephews. There would be no more family reunions, women’s weekly Bible studies, or gatherings of teaching the younger women how to prepare for marriage. Those days were gone and new days were to come.

Bittersweet.

And so it rained and it rained and it rained and after forty long days, it quit. Can you imagine what Noah and his family thought at that moment? God promised it would rain for forty days and forty nights. They were probably gathered around the hay bale eating breakfast and stopped chewing and looked at each other in wonderment. It had stopped. The rain had stopped. The pitter-patter of raindrops that pelted non-stop against their vessel for the last forty days had stopped. Just like that.

I cannot imagine what must have gone through their minds, but I’m sure excitement was in the midst, somewhere. They probably jumped up and ran to the poop deck. It was true. The rain had stopped and the clouds were dissipating as quickly as they had gathered weeds before. God had kept his promise. Not only had it poured buckets upon this little family’s life, but after forty days, it had stopped just as amazingly as it had started.

In the excitement, I’m sure Noah must have said, “Oh, wait – the dove – I’ve got to get the dove.” And so the dove was sent out and returned empty handed. No land. Repeating the process every day or so, it finally returned one day with an olive branch in it’s mouth. More excitement. Land was breaking forth the tides of the storm that had held them bound in the traveling zoo. Soon they would be grounded and able to exit and loose the animals back onto the earth.

In all the activity that was taking place, something else happened. Something magnificent. Something never evidenced before. The Noah family, standing on deck – a parrot perched on Shem’s shoulder, a monkey sitting on Noah’s, a snake coiled around Ham’s arm – stood wide-eyed with their mouths open. Never had they seen anything so beautiful before. (Obvious paraphrasing going on…)

There in front of them, spread across the entire sky draped an arc of brilliant colors. Red, orange, yellow, green, purple, blue. They were awestruck. Before them, stretched from one end of the earth to the other was a magnificent rainbow.

And God said, “I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

When God approached Noah in his vineyard many months prior to this moment, He made a promise that He was going to send rain to flood the earth. He promised to save Noah and his family by way of an ark. He promised it would rain forty days and nights. There was a promise in that promise that it would not last forever. And now, Noah and his family stood gazing upon that rainbow and God made another promise. To never do that again. He would never send another flood to destroy the earth.

Noah could believe God. Noah’s faith was strong. He had watched God make promises in the past and he had watched God keep each one. He knew that God would keep this promise.

Today I saw a rainbow with brilliant color so red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. It was absolutely beautiful. And when I saw it, I smiled. There were dark clouds with windows of blue sky. And then there was the rainbow.

I remembered what the promise of the rainbow was and how God has kept his promise. And each time I see a rainbow I remember how God keeps all of his promises. And it makes me smile. And it renews my hope and I am encouraged and reminded that even on the darkest of days, God will be there because God always keeps His promises.

That’s the promise of a rainbow.