While scrolling through the status updates on Facebook recently, I came across a status update from a long-time friend that read something to the effect that she was proud of her kids, who they’ve come, and the difference they’ve made in the world using the gifts they had. Another friend of hers commented, “Great parents make great kids.”
I sat there for a good long time thinking about that comment. The more I thought about it, the more I disagreed. Great parents do not necessarily make great kids or even good ones, just as bad parents don’t necessarily make bad kids.
Often we tend to think that if we do things just so – teach the right values, encourage the right gifts within our children’s spirits, teach the importance of respect, responsibility and more – our kids are going to turn out great. Any parent who has parented for over five years knows that is not true. Any parent knows from day one that each child has a will all their own. Any parent knows that great kids do not evolve simply because they may have great parents.
Too many times I have seen moms beat themselves up over the choices their child has made. Godly mothers who were on their knees for that child even before they were born. Mothers who made it a point to gather her little ones around the dinner table each night instead of a television. Mothers who taught her children the unconditional love through example.
I have known great parents with great kids, but it’s not a guarantee that if you’re a great parent, you’re kids are going to turn out great. Look at the story of the prodigal son. What an encouragement to never give up hope for struggling parents everywhere! Parents who did all they could to steer their young ones down the right path, however somewhere along the way, a child reaches an age where they begin to make their own decisions and sometimes – often – their decisions are filled with foolishness. Yet, to that child – whatever the choice, whatever the decision – it seemed right for them. What’s a parent to do?
Stand at the gate like the wonderful father of the prodigal son and wait for them to come back. And like the wonderful father, don’t give up hope. He believed he would see his son come home – come to his senses. If he hadn’t, he would not have gone to that gate every day.
Good, great parents. They have to start with good, great people, right? You can’t be a good parent if you’re not a good person, right? Would you agree that if you’re thinking about being a parent, it’s probably best to stop drinking, doing drugs, robbing banks, forging checks or whatever? It’s probably time to get your life in order and grow up. So – say you have. Better yet, say you’ve never had to struggle with any of the above curves that life can throw at you, swung at them, and began a walk around the bases of misery. Say you’ve always given your best, never smoked, never drank, never told a lie. Say you were a poster child for humankind. And now – now you’re about to be a parent. Surely your child will tow the line. They will love unconditionally every kind of person, every part of life itself. They will take the world by storm and make mama and daddy proud. But, what if…
What if one day you find out they’re addicted to drugs and never had a clue? What if one day you find out they are an alcoholic and never saw it coming? What if one day they tell you they’re moving in with their boyfriend and defying everything sacred you ever taught them about marriage? What if one day they come and tell you they’ve had it with your way of life and they’re off to make a life of their own?
Prodigals come from great parents. Prodigals don’t escape the life of misery to be more miserable. Those are called runaways. They are usually trying to escape a dysfunctional situation already, not get deeper into one. Prodigals are trying to prove a point. They think they know what’s best and they’re going to prove it to you. The problem is, prodigals have limited vision and in their limited vision, they can’t see that their parent(s) has a little more wisdom and a little more experience and… it is the wise parent who lets them leave.
One of my granddaughter’s favorite movies is Finding Nemo. It’s a story of a little fish, Nemo, who gets taken from the ocean to become someone’s pet. His father, Marlin, is beside himself. In one part of the story, as Marlin is trying to find his son, he hooks up with Dory, another fish who says she’ll help Marlin find his son. Eventually, Dory and Marlin end up in a whale.
Due to unavoidable circumstances, Marlin has raised his son based on fear. He has always kept his son close and tried to control all of life’s situations for Nemo. Now Marlin has come face to face with the reality that he is not in control. While in the whale, there comes a moment when Dory and Marlin may be able to escape, but Marlin has a hard time trusting.
As they’re holding on for dear life, Dory (who can also speak ‘Whale’) says, “He (the whale) says it’s time to let go! Everything’s gonna be all right!”
Marlin answers rather loudly, “How do you know!? How do you know something bad isn’t gonna happen!?”
“I don’t!,” Dory exclaims as she holds on to Marlin’s fin.
As parents, we are constantly trying to protect our children from harm and danger. The problem is, we are not in control. We never have been and we never will be. From infancy and on, they have a will of their own and try as hard as we might, we cannot control that will. At some point in time, they will stretch their wings and either fly – or fly away. We can’t determine which direction they will fly. We can’t tell them which direction to fly. We can teach them as best we can what they’ll need to survive, but we can’t make them learn what we teach. We can feed them all the best of life, all the knowledge life has to offer, share our experiences and wisdom, but we can’t make them accept what we think is best for them. They will take from life what they want (and hopefully give back) and not necessarily what we lay before them. They have a bent all their own that will play a significant part in guiding them as they make choices and ultimately, mistakes.
Do you have a child that has wandered? A child that is an alcoholic, a drug addict? A child that lies and cheats and steals? A child who thinks he knows what is best and he’s out to prove it? A child who just doesn’t care?
Wayward children often have great parents. Look back on your life as a parent thus far. If you can honestly say you did your best with what you know, with what you had – then let go. If you know you could have done better in some areas, don’t beat yourself up. We all mess up and err as parents. Instead, ask forgiveness of your child. Let him/her know you’re learning too. Seek forgiveness from God and then leave it there. The, – follow Dory’s advice…
Let go. Everything’s gonna be all right.
If you have a prodigal, stand at the gate and wait. There is hope if you don’t give up.
Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14
His,
Sherri
